What in the world can I say, four days after the fact, about the passing of Kurt Vonnegut that will matter? Well for starters, I can quote a quote of his that was printed in an obit run in a magazine that he, himself, was an editor for:
Those now in charge of the federal government are upper-crust C students. Unlike normal people, they are never filled with doubts, for the simple reason that they cannot care what happens next. Simply can’t. Do this! Do that! Mobilize the reserves! Privatize the public schools! Attack Iraq! Cut health care! Tap everybody’s telephone! Cut taxes on the rich! Build a trillion-dollar missile shield! Fuck habeas corpus and the Sierra Club and In These Times, and kiss my ass!
Yeah, I think that these words pretty much fit here, on this site. But they belong here for more reasons than just the obvious, and it has to do with (1) who Kurt Vonnegut was to me, (2) how I first came across In These Times, and (3) what it meant when I noticed that Kurt was an editor there.
Kurt Vonnegut’s writings changed my life… really. I once sent him an e-mail via his lawyer and received a response from who I like to think was actually him. I wrote “Thank you for teaching me to not take myself so seriously,” to which he replied “You’re welcome.” That meant a lot to me, so I owe his memory more than just lip service. I owe it to him to redeem myself.
I first encountered In These Times when they ran a story by Ari Paul that was about American Apparel. Ah, you see the connection now?
I was working for them at the time, and I was part of the discussion that ensued. My user name was JulioCaesar, and I wrote those comments from a room in the Standard Hotel that American Apparel was paying for. The foot-in-the-door phenomenon is an fascinating one, and it’s amazing what someone will do in exchange for room service.
After making those comments, I poked around the site a bit and saw that Kurt was an editor. I was ashamed. I’d been hungry, and I’d sold my soul for a warm meal and a roof over my head.
Well, in hopes of redeeming myself, I’m coming clean in the most altruistic ways. First, I’m not going to bother trying to get a book deal on my manuscript. I’m going to publish it in its entirety, right here, one chapter at a time, as I complete them. I’m going to publish every detail that makes me look like the ass I’ve been, for the world to read, without any hope of any profit. In fact, if there’s any justice in this world, the attention this story deserves will put me over my bandwith limit, and this will cost me money.
Secondly, I’m going to start coming clean right now by giving away part of the story. Basically, American Apparel did think that a few young feminists with cool blogs are a serious threat to business, and I was one of the paid trolls. In fact, Sheelzebub was bang on the mark. Sorry for all the trouble, sister (if you’ll let me call you that). If the concession is worth anything to you, I was the one behind those pro-Charney blogs — but Probing Propaganda was not an intended pun.
And Dov, I hope you don’t take this personally — it’s not personal. It’s not even business. It’s spiritual. The thing is that I had trouble sleeping at night when I worked for you, and I feel like I have to clear my conscience. Don’t worry, though, no one really reads my blog, it’ll go largely unnoticed, your business won’t be affected, and the only thing you’ll lose is my loyalty — which I suspect that you suspected anyway, so everything is pretty much status quo.
So Kurt, if you’re somewhere up there or out there (which I don’t believe you are), I hope you find it in your heart to forgive a writer who was once young, desperate, and stupid. I will do my best to make up for it…