Or at least he’ll make you smarter than Lou Dobbs will. Wonkette reports on a new survey by the Pew Research Center:

People who regularly watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report could correctly answer more political trivia questions than those who watch CNN or Fox News or especially the teevee network news — those people were only barely cognizant of their own arms.

I wonder how YouTubers compare to primetimers — they have to be cognizant of their own arms right down to their fingertips.

In a landmark statement, US Fuhrer President George W. Bush has recognized the constitutional authority of Congress. The Washington Post reports:

Asked at a recent news conference about congressional war powers, Bush seemed to suggest that while he disagrees with efforts to set a timetable for withdrawal, lawmakers are within their constitutional rights to do so.

I remember what it was like to have constitutional rights. In those days, election votes were counted, and leaders were, well, elected. At the rate that Georgie’s going, we just might have ourselves an ol’fashioned ballot jamboree. Maybe I should rinse out my bathtub and get a batch of moonshine going. The last time we had one of those, Jeb ran out of hooch, and we all had to pile into the Chevy for a ride over to the Levy, but the Levy was dry…

Today, Pop on the Pop had the scoop on how Britney went shopping in LA. God, can you even call that a scoop? No fault of your own, Joy. It’s not your fault that this is what God’s greatest democracy cares about.

Hm, it’s funny how when things are going well, we find solace in spending money that most people could survive on for a month have on shit we don’t need. Things haven’t been going well for this Southern Belle, you know. It’s not her fault, though. Nothing in America is your own fault. It’s your parents’ fault or, failing that, society’s. It’s kind of like the proof for God that way: circular. I wonder how that’s going to work out for her children. In any case, the bell is tolling for this Belle. It’s just too bad that she can’t hear the fat lady singing over her own voice — something else that’s a lot like the proof for God.

It doesn’t really surprise me that Hollywood is thought of as liberal. After all, if you’re going to whore around Tinsel Town snorting cocaine off of other people’s body parts, the last thing you need is a conservative writing laws or enforcing them. Besides, with the paparazzi hiding in your bushes, watching your every move, you don’t need Big Brother breathing down your neck too.

What does surprise me is that whenever an actor goes into politics, they seem to jump on the GOP bandwagon. The Politico explains:

Fred Thompson, the “Law & Order” actor and former senator from Tennessee, has moved beyond pondering a bid for the White House and begun assembling the nucleus of a campaign should he decide to run, according to people involved in the effort.

Thompson has not yet decided to seek the Republican presidential nomination. But “he is getting more serious every day,” said an adviser familiar with Thompson’s plans.
[...]
If Thompson runs, he’s likely to stress his willingness to take on the biggest issues, including nuclear proliferation and the entitlement crisis, advisers said. “People are disappointed that for the last two presidencies – almost 20 years now – we’ve seen people not held accountable and a cavalier attitude toward basic governmental responsibilities,” said the person who has talked to Thompson.

Maybe the Law & Order role went to his head. Maybe never being recognized in your favorite restaurant will drive you to the end of the political spectrum that induces you to meddle in the politics of piss-poor Central American countries. Or maybe there’s just something irrestible about leveraging what is undoubtedly the most sought after kind of recognition in this country to try and gain some actual power. Hm, I wonder if this means that Tila Tequila has a shot at becoming the second female President?

Probably not. If assholes like this really had any of that celebrity recognition that was worth leveraging, they wouldn’t have to run for office. Mind you, that doesn’t really explain the Governator — but who really can explain the motivations of anyone who is descended from Nazi war criminals and got their big break prancing around in a Spedo?

The reason that I think that Hillary is an Heir Head, isn’t because I think that women are only good for one thing, but that Bill does. Unfortunately for Hillary, she has to live in his shadow, and what she’ll probably have to do to escape it might not be in the interest of the American people.

Video via Feministing.

Shit like this makes me want to breakdance. I’m not even sure what to file this under.

Via Wonkette

So it turns out that a 40 year old intern that was working for the National Archives stole pieces of US history and put them up for auction on e-Bay. The NY Times reported:

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — A 40-year-old intern with the National Archives pleaded guilty Wednesday to stealing 164 Civil War documents, including an official announcement of President Lincoln’s death, and putting most of them up for sale on eBay.
[...]
All but three of the items, worth an estimated $30,000 in all, have since been recovered.

Personally, I think that 40 year old men applying to be unpaid interns should be scrutinized much in the same way that they would be if they were applying to be unpaid baby-sitters, but that’s besides the point. All that was lost here was a trio of relics worth an estimated $30K. Meanwhile, the country’s present and future are being auctioned off at wholesale prices, and we can’t ever get any of that back.

Story via Wonkette.

Maybe it’s the blemish seeping through his scalp, but it looks like John McCain can’t tell the difference between politics and philanthropy. The NY Times Reports:

WASHINGTON, April 3 — Lagging in fund-raising and under fire for his support of the Iraq war, Senator John McCain is overhauling his campaign finance operation and delaying the official announcement of his candidacy, his aides said Tuesday.
[...]
Mr. McCain has been identified throughout his career as an advocate of curbing the influence of money in politics, notably as a co-sponsor of a landmark bill limiting political contributions. He criticized Mr. Bush, when the two were opponents in 2000, as leading overly aggressive fund-raising efforts.
[...]
Mr. McCain’s advisers said they expected that the senator would come under fire from opponents for turning to big money-raisers; he has already said the campaign would not take the federal funds that go to candidates who accept spending limits. But they called the criticisms unfair.

You know what Johnny? You don’t have to worry about opponents criticizing you if you can’t afford to run against them. I’d be more worried about how you’re going to explain to big-money donors why they should vote for a fucking hypocrite.

This is American Politics, Johnny, not the Guggenheim. People don’t give money away because they want to enrich the political process by fostering competition and debate. They do it to stomp them. buy influence. That’s the American Dream, Johnny: to establish a Monopoly. We trust in God, everyone else pays cash, and we leave the philanthropy up to those Euro-trash peacenicks.

Besides, not only are you a bellicose and senile geriatric, but you’ve been gumming the hand that feeds you for ages now. I mean, sure, it’s not like it really hurt much, but it kind of grossed them out and now they’d rather keep their distance if it’s all the same to you.

Story via Wonkette

As if it wasn’t bad enough that she had to stick by Bill’s side all through, uh, everything, now she’s needlessly subjecting herself this kind of trashy parody. It kinds of reminds me of what happens happens to the Prom Queen after a year away at college in a co-ed dorm.

You know, I really can’t help but wonder what Hillary’s true reasons are for running. There just has to be an element of vindictive vindication (I don’t even think that that makes sense) behind it all. I know that Bill hurt and humiliated her, and I know she has a need to show him, but does she really need to do it by putting herself through the publicity meat grinder all over again.

I also can’t help but wonder if she’ll end up taking the Democratic party with her. I mean, let’s say she takes the primary, then let’s say that she manages to get a “majority” of Americans to vote for a woman, well then her biggest challenge is then going to be to escape Bill’s shadow.

Now, normally getting elected as the first woman president would suffice to eclipse your husband’s legacy, but being the first First Lady to transcend being a titular appendage (sorry, couldn’t help it) to Bill Clinton of all people means that the shadow she has to escape is something a lot larger than just that cast by his height.

Breaking with every last part of his politics, then, is only a part of what she’s going to have to do. This means that she’ll have to go either far to the left or far to the right, and judging by where she stands right now, it doesn’t bode well for Democrat platform-politics. Besides, being a woman head of the largest military and economic power in the world means that she would’ve had enough to prove as it is.

Of course, this is something that I think the electorate is aware of, at least on some subconscious level, so I doubt that she’d get elected to the White House if she took the Democratic Party nomination. Don’t get me wrong, if there’s any woman in America today who has a chance at the White House, it’s Hillary. The problem is that what makes her such a likely hopeful is also what’s going to put off voters once their alone in the booth with God, Allah, or Hashem as their witness.

What this all means in the grand scheme of things I’m not so sure, but it bears on the electorate and the tragic reality of this once promising egalitarian democracy. There’s a still a lot of work to do, and as much progress as we’ve made toward eventually getting a woman into the White House, I doubt that we’re there yet.

Of course, this brings us back to the Democratic primary, and who then is the most likely candidate, and if numbers are any indication, it looks like it’s Barry. But bear in mind that, number wise, Barry is still second to Hillary, and that tells us something about looking at it from the Numbers Game: that the popular support and fundraising dollars that both Barrack and Hillary have enjoyed has more to do with their cult of celebrity than it does with their chances of making it to the White House.

Mind you, it’s not like this country doesn’t already have a history of putting celebrities into office, or even the White House at that, but those idols were idols first and politicians later. Hillary and Barrack are celebrities because they were into politics first, and if there’s anything that the American Public isn’t so quick to forgive, it’s those who are so foolish to think that just because in American you can leverage fame for power, that it might work the other way around.

After all, fame is it’s own kind of power, a democratically bestowed one that supercedes all of its counterparts, and to try to use other kinds of power to leverage fame in America is an affront to what precious little is left of the democratic spirit in this country. That kind of smack doesn’t ever fly ’round here, no matter how bad the shit stinks.

Besides, Americans need a President that kind of embodies the Washington Monument, and Hillary might have trouble doing that. In fact, the reason why Bill was able to get away with as much as he did was because he explicitly personified the American phallus. This is why some women manage to find even the most despotic of politicians sexy.

I don’t know, if I was personal friends with Hillary, I would’ve advised her against running. She’s setting herself up to be either humiliated by the dark depths of Bill’s shadow, or (by necessity) one of the greatest Democratic despots our generation will ever see — which very likely ruin the party. More to the point, though, is that if she secures the nomination, we might be in for another four years of the stampeding element taking a massive dump on our trampled remains.

This is the eulogy that Ted Kennedy read at Robert F. Kennedy’s funeral. Teddy quotes a lot of Roberts own words throughout, only a few of which being:

Through no virtues and accomplishments of our own, we have been fortunate enough to be born in the United States under the most comfortable conditions. We therefore have a responsibility to others who are less well off.

I like to think that Teddy represents our own generation: fat, obscene, and generally born into great decadence and luxury through no effort of their own. The reason that there used to be hope for this country, though, is that Teddy and his generation were at least able to acknowledge that sad, depressing, and humiliating fact.

Their generation was the Great Generation, leading a country through the Protest Generation. Our generation is the Cool Generation. Like it’s legacy of MySpace profiles and YouTube accounts, all our generation gets in the history books is 15 minutes of fame — and I’m not even sure we deserve that.

What we do deserve, though, is the bootlicking lap-dogs that are running this country into the mud, and hate and scorn of the rest of the world around us. We’ve accomplished nothing, but demand everything.

Video via The Fruits of Imagination