Unmarried with Children

My buddy just got out of a relationship. He needs a wingman, but can’t find one. One of his best friends has the mind of a freshman, and I’m “married with children.

Most men who are married with children don’t go out drinking on a work night. Many of them never go out drinking at all. But my buddy was being facetious. I’m not really married. I have a baby-mama, not a wife, and I don’t live with her. I live with my girlfriend.

The reason I was out drinking on a work night was that my girlfriend wasn’t talking to me. She caught a glimpse of me and my baby-mama talking on the corner outside our place when my baby-mama came to pick up our son. When I went back inside, she told me she didn’t want to talk to me. So I left. Our place isn’t that big, and I don’t like awkward silences. They’re awkward.

I rented a bicycle to go cash my paycheck at the bank. When I came out, there was an altercation with a middle-aged woman who couldn’t figure out the rent-a-bike stand. She didn’t want my help. I didn’t want to wait for her. I said nasty things to her in a loud voice. And then I took a walk up and down the street until she was gone. You can’t always get what you want (my mother taught me that).

Then I showed up at my buddy’s place with a six pack. We talked shit and conclude bitches is crazy. BitchesIsCrazy.com is already registered — to some guy in Portugal.

We finished the six pack and then went to eat Indian food at a dive bar a few block away. The food was really good. The draft beer wasn’t. We finished both of them. And then I went home.

I’d been gone about four and a half hours. I don’t think I ever got further than six blocks in any direction. I was more tired than drunk. My girlfriend was on the couch watching the news. I said “hi.” She just looked at me. I went into the office. She went to bed. I slept on the couch.

In the morning, there was nothing but a note for me. It said the the door repairman was coming Saturday morning. I went to work.